


Random thoughts

by RussianRulette



Category: - - Fandom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2019-10-02 15:15:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 1,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17266538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RussianRulette/pseuds/RussianRulette
Summary: Just stuff in my head that I gotta take out





	1. We never knew each other's names

We never knew each other's names. 

We only crossed paths during our respective daily commutes. 

We never knew where each other was going. 

We only saw each other every morning at 8:30 am.

We never knew what each other's favourite colour was.

Nevertheless I knew he had a coffee and a scone for breakfast every Tuesday morning, since that's what he had in his hands every Tuesday morning. 

We never knew if we'd see each other the next day. 

We only saw each other every morning in the subway. 

He got down one stop before mine. 

He never knew I got down one stop after his. 

We never knew each other's phone number.

We only knew we both used the same brand of earbuds.

We never knew if we liked the same music.

We only knew we both enjoyed Marvel. I had an Iron Man phonecase, and he had a Captain America one.

We never knew what each other's voice sounded like.

Until the day we did. 

It was a Tuesday morning. 

He almost missed the train, and when I saw him I forced the door to stay open that extra second.

"Thought I wouldn't see you today" the words escaped my mouth before I could catch them. It was a joke. Sort of.

He stared at me for a moment, then chuckled. 

It made my heart flutter. 

"I thought I wouldn't get to see you either." He smiled at me. "Thanks for holding the door."

Then he took his usual seat, in the aisle across from where I stood, to have his breakfast. Coffee and a scone. 

He was lost in his own world before I could smile back. 

We never knew what flavor each other preferred.

We only knew we acknowledged each other's existence. 

"Thanks again, guess I'll see you tomorrow." He walked by me before getting off. Who can smile like that this early on a Tuesday? 

We never knew if we'd talk ever again. 

Nevertheless now he knew I looked forward to seeing him every morning. 

We never knew when we started noticing each other. 

We only knew that since that Tuesday he smiled at me every day before sitting down. 

We never knew what it felt like to have a conversation. 

We never got to find out. 

Because one day he didn't show up. 

Maybe he's sick, I thought. 

It was a Tuesday. 

When I got to work that day, I got asked if I was alright. 

Clueless, I asked why. 

"There was an accident near your area and since you're kinda reckless I was worried for you" 

I put on the news. 

Near the subway station.  _Our_ subway station. 

I saw him up there on the screen. 

We never knew each other's names.

 


	2. Wrong place, wrong time, wrong words

I'm not good with my words.

At least, not when I don't have the time to think them through. 

They come out wobbly, hesitating and wrong. 

They come out rough, reckless and mean. 

Even when I intended to make them nice. 

That's why I hate speaking my mind. 

 

I'm not good with my timing. 

I always pick the worst time to speak. 

It's always on accident, but bad nonetheless.

I naively think things will come out fine. 

They don't.

That's why I hate speaking my mind.

 

I'm not good with my placing, either. 

I never take context into account before saying what's in my head. 

So I just let anything out, thinking that I'm in a safe space 

And that nothing can go wrong

Nothing can be too bad. 

But it can be. 

That's why I hate speaking my mind.

 

 

I know I shouldn't. 

I know I should just think things through. 

And I try. 

But I'm too distracted.

Too naive. 

Too optimistic?

 

 

Until I'm alone.

 

And I can't let the words out.

And they pile up inside. 

Some get together, trying to make sense. 

Some float around, looking for a place to fit in. 

A sentence, a paragraph, a thought. 

And they form beautiful poems. 

And they form horrible thoughts.

And they take the shape of love. 

But it's tiny. 

And they take the shape of nightmares. 

And they're huge. 

And they consume my insides, leaving me empty. 

 

That's why I can't speak my mind. 


	3. Platonic love

Somedays you know me too well. 

Somedays, you don't.

Somedays you feel like the only one I can go to.

Somedays... Not so much. 

 

Even so, letting go of you would be too hard.

You are probably the only one who only caused me imaginary trouble 

(you know me and my mind, 

we're always thinking no one likes us

my bad) 

 

And spending time with you feels too good 

Sometimes it's awkward 

I guess just for me, I'm just not used to hanging out with guys

 

Sometimes when we hang out 

I try to bring up something that's been on my mind

Hurting me or troubling me

But the moment you see me and hug me

Like you really care about me

I forget any problem that haunts me. 

Kind of like a spell

That breaks as soon as I'm alone again.

 

It's so easy being with you

I don't feel forced to assure your entertainment. 

Maybe because you're as lazy as me?

I love that about out friendship. 

 

I love that we can talk.

I love that we can cuddle.

I love that we can joke around. 

I love when you randomly lay on my lap and let me stroke your hair

Like a kitten 

(or a lion, since you're twice my size) 

 

I actually love when you pick me up. 

Don't know why

It's just fun. 

 

Even if sometimes I get annoying 

I'll always appreciate your patience 

With my tantrums

My self-consciousness 

And my terrible gay jokes about myself. 

 

I don't always manage to show it. 

How much I care, I mean. 

So I hope you know 

Although I sometimes say it ten times in a row. 


	4. Help (you)

I don't know what's on your head

And oh, I wish I did.

I don't know what's going on in your mind

And oh, I wish I knew.

 

You try to fix everything 

All by yourself 

And it's eating you up

I know it is.

 

Sometimes it shows

It's a little shadow behind your eyes

It's a lot of weight behind your words.

 

I don't know if you're ever lonely

I don't want you to feel alone

I need you to know

I'm always here, for you.

 

You try to fix every problem 

Without any help

You think you're the only one who can

 

And while you're not entirely wrong

It's good to have company

Someone to be next to you

With some support

To lift you when you can't get up

Literally and metaphorically 

 

You think you can be alone

I used to think so, too.

But your company showed me

Not everything is black and white 

Not everything has to be bad

I don't have to be the only one 

I don't have to fix everything 

I don't have to bottle up

I don't have to hide

And neither do you.


	5. Rain

As I watch the rain 

I sometimes wonder 

About its journey

About its life

About its aspects.

 

Rain can be soft

And kind

But it can also be rough

And mean

It lives for such a short time

Yet it is always beautiful. 

 

It can be soothing

Or destroying

It can be a relief

Of torture

 

Rain can be loved

Or hated

Yet most people will always think of it as beautiful. 

 

I wonder if my life can be like that of rain.

Loved

Hated

Short

But always

Always

Beautiful.


	6. Coffee

You are like scalding coffee

Burn my tongue and my throat

But I take you in

without hesitation

and I burn inside

and it hurts

but I enjoy every second of it.

 

I try to be more careful

take it in slowly

But I always rush

And get burned again.


	7. Her

To him, she was like the moon

Bright,

soothing,

distant,

strong,

beautiful.

 

To him, she was like the ocean

Sometimes rough, sometimes calm

Mysterious

Full of secrets

Full of stories

Full of beauty

 

To him, she was like a butterfly

Delicate,

Always fluttering

Always fleeing

Never staying

 

To him, she was everything.

To her, she was nothing.

 

 


	8. Feather

Feathers. Descending slowly, dancing in the gentle summer breeze. So many of them. Maybe,  
too many. They float around me, creating a white courtain as I watch, frozen in my place.  
  
My left eye twitches and I struggle to swallow. What the hell have I just witnessed? What have  
I…What have I done?  
  
My head hurts, I feel my heart beating in my ears, the sound absolutely deafening. I realise I’m  
clenching my jaw and fists, and when I relax my hands I can hear a metallic sound.  
  
Looking down, my breath gets caught in my throat. A blade. My blade. Similar to all my  
brothers’ and sisters’ blades. The same runes carved into the handle. I glance at my hands and  
clothes. Once pure white now stained with dark, tragic red.  
  
The wind gets stronger and it rustles the feathers, dissipating them and allowing me to  
become aware of my sins.  
  
My headache gets worse. Now a ringing accompanies the thudding of my heart, and it is so  
unbearable I fall to my knees.  
  
I try to ignore the corpses that sorround me. There are too many to count. Tens of thousands  
of them, lying on the cold, hard dirt. How did it all end up like this?  
  
Now only a few feathers remain floating around me. I can still hear the screams. My brothers  
and sisters scream inside my head, inside my stomach and all through this deserted field.  
  
I killed them. Every single last one of them.  
  
Shaking, I reach for my blade.  
  
There’s only one thing left to do.  
  
There’s no way for an angel to survive alone on Earth.  
  
Not after destroying his own kind.  
  
They would come for me.  
  
But I won’t give them the satisfaction.  
  
I close my eyes as I raise my last prayer.  
  
I’m sorry, my beloved family. I won’t be there to see the world we created end. None of us  
will.  
  
I will see you soon.


End file.
